*in a hushed voice*
Her: People ask me obscenely inappropriate sex questions all the time when they find out I'm a lesbian. Does that happen to you?!
Me: Haha! Ya
Her: I wanted to start a website called stupidlesbianquestions.com where people would email their questions in and I would be like, "YES!" or (she raises her eyebrows and puts her hand up), "NooOOOooo!"
-waiting to cross at a red light with my dog-
*I recognize 2 of the local homeless guys approaching behind me*
Homeless guy #1: Can you spare some change?
Random pedestrian: No, sorry
Homeless guy #2: It's so cold and no one gives a f***!
Homeless guy #1: Hey, can I eat your dog?
-I gaze out the window at passing cars-
Me: I want to do a trip next month to Montreal!
Him: Don't you want to go somewhere new? You just went there
Me: Ya, but one of my best friends lives there.....aaaand I met someone there....she's amazing...
(I look at him)
-we both smile-
-second year of Fashion School at FIDM, American history class-
Professor: Turn to chapter 5 for the civil war and refer to page 2 of your notes......
*his voice blurs out for what is maybe a milisecond, maybe a couple minutes*
She has long flowy hair like Jasmin from Aladdin and tiny beautiful bone structure like a ballet dancer. Once in pattern drafting class she leaned over to me and whispered, "Your hair is so nice, like a cloud!" into my ear. She looked straight into my eyes like she could see my soul and touched it with her left hand.
I'm shot into reality by my friend:
Him: That's not what you want. She's a total Princess. I know her.
Me(dressed as Super Woman): Hey, do you know where the after-party is?
Her (dressed as Barbie): No, sorry
Super Woman: Oh ok, no worries. Thanks
Barbie: I hope you don't mind I was dancing with your boyfriend
Super Woman: Oh he's not my boyfriend. I'm gay
Super Woman: Do you want to go for a drink sometime?
Barbie: Ya sure!
I closed my Tinder account last night.
Mostly, people knowing the exact km proximity of themselves to me- kiiiinda creepy.
Just going to have to meet lesbians the old fashioned way.... face to face..... in plain ol' real life.
Time to invest in a cheekily subtly coded t-shirt I guess haha...
1. When your significant other doesn't text you back for 5 days they are either
b) Don't want to talk to you
c) All of the above
Buy ice cream.
2. When your SO(significant other) says, "I don't care if you kiss other people. Do whatever you want." They DON'T mean it literally.
2. When you dress up for a lesbian event don't wear a dress. Unless you want to die alone. Or you are Brandy and you refuse to change your dress code to fit into a heteronormative paradym reversal.
Confused about what that means?
Stick with the dress. You go girl.
3. Ha! There isn't a #3. Gotcha.
4. Waiting exactly three days to call someone back is lame. You like them? Call them. Or give their number to the homeless guy down the street. Doesn't bother me either way. I never answer my phone.
Ask my Mom.
5. When you are sad go to the gym. Still sad? Go more.
6. REALLY sad? Go to the bar.
7. Can't take it anymore, move provinces!
9. Men's razors. They make that sh** properly. None of this pink razor burn nonsense.
10. When you give up on love buy a dog(or 9 kittens). Worked for me. I had a girlfriend exactly 7 days after.
Him: I still can't believe people get butt implants...seems dangerous to sit on that
Me: It's true! I promise. Google it! You know Nicki Minaj?
Him: Sometimes I wonder what someone would think if they read my Google history. It would be like, "Butt implants, stick-on birth control patch, Nicki Minaj"
Me: They would think you were a chick
Him: Who is about to look really hot and hook up with someone
-he reaches down and I grab his hand-
Me: How's your job at the cupcake store going?
-I climb the tree and dangle my Converse sneakers back and forth through the warm air-
Him: Pretty chill, nice break from UBC
-he takes a handful of cereal and hands me the box-
we watch the cars go by in the darkness
the red taillights slowly revealing the left side of his face
My Mom: Hey! What are you up to?
Me: Just got out of the shower
My Mom: Haha did you know were you were really little after a bath you would always strut through the living room naked and go, "Like my outfit!?"
Me: We should go ice skating this winter
Him: I was learning to skate but I never learned how to stop properly
Me: Me too!
Him: The instructor was incredibly beautiful so I would just run into her instead
Me: Haha! That's actually pretty genius
Every winter I get suuuuper into working out. It's really strange....maybe it has something to do with exercise endorphins replacing sunshine/vitaminD....who knows, not sure why.
Last year I even got biceps! It was pretty rad haha I was like, "Whaaa where did those come from?!!!?" One winter I even wanted to become a personal trainer. And another time I started training for the WBFF(same year I had biceps lol) Best part of the gym tonight was that I was alone so I was singing Pharrel Williams SUPER LOUD with my headphones in. Honey badger don't give a damn! Muahaaaaa
Anyways, it's begun:)
Everytime I get back into going to the gym I'm like, "Wow! I feel AMAZING! Sweating rocks!" Haha
Here's a little Pharrel for ya. I suggest moon-walking.
Hmmm yup, definitely moon walking! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfGMj10wOzg
-sharing pepperoni pizza and red wine with one of my closest friends-
Her: Ya totally, everyone is surprised and like "(confused eyebrow furrow)really?" when they find out
Me: Haha I know! I spent soooo much effort hiding that I'm gay and then I finally come out and no one believes me! The irony is almost too much!!
-we both laugh-
Her- insanely gorgeous....just ridiculous
Me- jaw on floor
*we are dancing*
Her: It's so loud, do you want to go outside?
Me: Ya sure let's go
-we sit down, it's chilly-
Her: You are so beautiful
Me(blushing): Awwww no! You are (whaaaaa? ...did I die?....am I in heaven?)
Her: Here, take my number. Call me. (OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, SERIOUSLY)
Him: AH! Are those platform boots?!
Him: Aw no they are just pumps. I was like, "I want those just for everyday use!"
Me: Hahahaha! I love you!
-we see a rack of vintage fur jackets-
Him: I really think we should just go as Macklemore!
Him(rapping): Bada badada badada bada!
-I pull out a massive fur jacket-
Me(rapping): Probly shoulda washed this smells like R. Kelly's sheetssssss...
Him(rapping): But s*** it was 99 cents! Bag it!
Me(rapping): Imma take your Grandpa's style! Imma take your Grandpa's style! No, for real! Ask your Grandpa, can I have his hand-me-downs?
Him(rapping): Whatchu know bout rockin a wolf on your noggin
*Saturday* Brandy goes to a wedding. At 2am Brandy finally finds the only other lesbian at this party. They dance. They kiss. They exchange numbers.
*Monday* Cute wedding girl texts Brandy. They make plans to meet up. Brandy is happy.
*Wednesday* Brandy mets a comedian on Tinder. Brandy thinks, "Sweet!". Brandy goes to comedian's show.
-at the show-
The comedian: I am excited about moving to Toronto because there are more than 10 lesbians there!
Me(in my mind): There must be more than 10 in this whole city
*Thursday* Brandy finds out that comedian girl already has a girlfriend. Brandy is sad but is happy to have a new friend. Later at night Brandy is looking through the comedian's Facebook photos and see's a photo of the wedding girl with the comedian. (Brandy can't lift one eyebrow but if she could she would right here). Brandy texts the wedding girl. Brandy finds out the wedding girl used to date the comedian girl.
THERE REALLY ARE ONLY 10 LESBIANS IN THIS ENTIRE CITY