Him: I think we need meninism
Him: Men don't know how to act anymore. Even opening a door for a woman can be seen as offensive. I like opening doors.
Me: I like chivalry
Him: Men have become obsolete. Women make as much money as men and can just go to a sperm bank now to have kids....(somber)we aren't needed
Me: Men aren't obsolete....your roles have just changed.
Him: I would love being a stay at home Dad....cook....clean....eat Fruitloops in my underwear and take care of kids.
Back in the day we needed men to open pickle jars and reach tall things...
Foreword: It drives me CRAZY when people begin a story by saying, "I changed the person's name for their privacy and protection" which is why I always just use pronouns. It's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't need to know you changed the name. JUST TELL THE DAMN STORY ALREADY.
But I am going to do that for the first time ever on my blog. Because I can't tell this story properly without using a name. *shakes fist at sky*
- Via email from my friend who shalt-be-named-ith "Dan" working overseas where he is a human target and I haven't heard from him in a while-
Dan: What's new there with yo bad self?
Me: Work, bike, make love, eat cereal, put on sparkley earrings, walk dog, flirt with cute girl, draw some clothes. Repeat, in no particular order.
Dan: So same old same old?
Me: Haha basically. You are still alive! Well done!! High fives*
Dan: Ya I'm pretty awesome at that
Before he left I made him a screen printed t-shirt for his trip that said, "I'm not Dan" on the front.
It's like an invisible cloak. But with better air circulation.
Him: You have wrinkled hands! They are worse than mine!
Me: Oh, ya they are dry from winter.
Him: No, I meant your knuckles
Me: .....they are knuckles....
(I'm pretty sure he was doing that thing where you insult a girl to make them feel insecure and then you hit on them)
-I turn around and leave-
*6 hours later
-he stumbles up to me while I'm chatting with someone-
Him(suggestive eyebrows): Want to go upstairs with me?
-I return to my conversation-
-he half turns away and then comes back again-
Him(his tacky gold chain swings around his neck): Are you sure?
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
Me: That's awesome you write too!
Him: What do you write about?
Me: Oh just random funny stuff from real life
Him: Like what?
Me: Ok for example, (I gesture) right behind you someone is giving someone else a pant-less piggyback ride to the hot tub through the foggy dance floor past the DJ while someone follows them around trying to cover them up
-he turns around and bursts out laughing-
-I look at my phone and start laughing-
Me: My Mom just texted me and was like, "You have bangs! Looks Nice! Workin your way around your head, only two sides to go!"
Her: Haha! Your Mom has a good sense of humour!
ohhhhh hahaha you have no idea
and you should meet my Dad!
Sometimes he calls me just to tell me something obscenely inappropriate and hilarious that he just saw/heard.
The funniest part of which, is the fact that his immediate reaction is, "I have to call my daughter and tell her!"
Me(friendly): Hey! I haven't seen you in a while!
Her:...sorry I don't recognize you......
Me: Oh I used to see you in the mornings
Her(condescending): Oh, you have that huge scary white dog
Me(trying not to laugh): She is super chill....you should come over and meet her some day!
Her(snarky): I don't think so.
so, you've finally figured out that you don't want to BE Taylor Swift
You want to date her.
You are gay!
Here are the four things I wish I had known before coming out:
1. It won't define you. You have many attributes! Humor, artistry, really bad kitchen dancing skills that no one will witness but your dog! Being gay is part of every gay person's life but not their whole being.
2. Not everyone will like it. But for the most part you won't hear from those folks. They will just slowly fade from your life. And you will find yourself with really close friends because you can finally let your guard down.
3. It turns out being gay is actually "a thing" now.....I'm not sure when it became cool.....or maybe now I only hang out with people who think it's cool. But it seems to be the thing to be. WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS BEFORE?! GAH!
4. You will come out of the closet over and over and over and over. Unless I go and shave ALL my hair off. Which personally will never happen. Because me without hair would probably be semi-terrifying. Plus I like being "feminine". And I don't have to revoke that because I date women. I once shaved off 1/4th of it and it didn't help. Point being, no one assumes I am gay. Therefore "coming out" happens at least twice a week. Luckily it gets less and less awkward. Because also, one of the things I wish I had known before coming out is that you get tougher.