I thought I had defeated the big 3-0. As it crept up I told people I was already 30. It didn't bother me because I had accomplished so much for someone my age, I told this to my close friends(too modest to make such a statement to strangers). My career was kick ass. I had been a fashion designer in 3 countries and designed for huge fashion brands. I switched into costumes in the film industry and I was doing awesome. I was engaged and really happy. I tipped my head back, closed my eyes, felt the sun on my eyelids, and smiled.
But then my birthday approached in the same way you realized the first time that "water resistant" is NOT the same thing as "water repellant"....I started to feel the REAL 30 creep in and the soggy feeling start.
Up the cuffs at first, and then pouring in through all the seams like a dark cold night on set when you have nothing else to change into because you didn't know your jacket wasn't built for this. You thought you were ready, but now you realize you weren't at all.
First, there was the eye cream. Do my eyes look dark? You guys... I think I have circles under them? What is this microscopic line....WTF is that an eye wrinkle? Then there was the concealer. The clothes that made me feel matronly because the neck was too high. I put on my push-up bra and winked at myself in the elevator. Next my hair started to feel like a heavy mop. "Goodbye my love!" I sang dramatically and laughed as the hairdresser with blue hair chopped me some new bangs: taking me back if felt like at least five years. I laughed but a silent darkness fell off my lap like the long locks of hair she cut off. If nothing else, at least the bangs covered the one big happy/surprise wrinkle on my forehead. The first of many laugh wrinkles to come in the decades ahead.
Post haircut, running down Granville Street using my antique pink crepe silk jacket as an umbrella to keep my new bangs dry I smiled up at the rain. I'm not too old to forget an umbrella. An optimist. And if there is one thing I've learned at the ripe old age of 30, don't kick the shit out of yourself, life will do that for you! The things that are most beautiful about a person increase with age(usually, or eventually with the help of prescription meds once you become elderly and the people who take care of you drug you).
I'm not repellent to the real ness of aging. I'll let the rain of life pour down on me. Bring on the wrinkles. And the eye cream. But also the wisdom to be playful, silly, and sometimes forget my raincoat so I can put my head back, feel the raindrops on my eyelids, and smile.